Air Law 8

Air Law 7 dealt with the morons that crowd the gate 10 minutes before boarding when they're in Zone 6. Along that same line, this is a true beauty from my friend Cole Carley (Fargo-Moorhead CVB). He told me to edit it. He's too good of a writer. Here it is:

"People amaze me. They endure crowded lines to check in, through security, getting on the plane and getting off again. I won't even talk about the cattle-in-a-boxcar proximity of people during the flight itself. I've been physically closer to a perfect stranger in an airplane than in bed with my wife. I wouldn't mind it quite so much except that it's usually some guy who weighs alot more than me.

So, what do people do at the end of the journey, when they can finally stretch out, spread out and get out? They crowd shoulder to shoulder at the baggage claim. They stand packed tight and closer together at the carousel than fans at the stage of a U2 concert. And that's before the belt even starts moving.

I always want to shout, 'Hey! Do you think that crowding the carousel is going to get your bags quicker? It's not! Back up! Spread out!'"

AIR LAW 8: From this day forward there will be established a mandatory "No-Touching Zone" that starts 7 feet back from the carousel. All travelers will stand back, take it easy and wait. When you see your luggage, walk easily, efficiently and directly to your bag, pick it up and proceed.

The point behind Air Laws is to bring some civility back to the unfriendly skies. And Cole has the following suggestion:

"Folks, all of you who fly, let’s agree to start a new trend. We’ll just start with us and hope that it spreads like it did with that kid in Pay It Forward. Here’s what we do: Stand back from the carousel. That’s right, everybody just stand back about 15 or 20 feet, watch and wait. The big airport machine is going to barf up your bag at the same time it would have if you were crammed together like slices of bread in a loaf. Then, when your bag appears, you can actually saunter (step, prance, mince, whatever you want to do) to the carousel, pick up your bag, and leave.

Even better, when our bag appears, let’s give everyone a little post-flight entertainment by doing some dance step up to the carousel, twirl once, casually lean down and pick up your bag, set it down on the floor with a little flourish, pull the handle out of the bag, and skip away. I’ll bet we could get people to applaud. Gee, they might even throw some money at you. You’ve got to be giving them a better show than some schlep on a bridge blowing his saxophone."

Thanks Cole! Your Air Law is now on the books. And I'll be trying the dance-step thing. Like the title of the debut album from Scottish singer Sandi Thom ("Smile...It Confuses People"), it'll, er, confuse people.

Comments

[Christopher Maland]

There was already an area that existed called the "Maland Line". Now, I don't want to get into a fight about what it should be called, as long as people follow the guidelines.