Bill Geist's Zeitgeist

It Takes a Virgin Mind to Solve Boarding

No...not that kind of virgin. The Richard Branson kind...as in Virgin America.

We've already issued Air Law 5 about the goofs that insist on attempting to carry on luggage as big as small pony. And Air Law 7 about the people who rush to the gate to board, regardless of their section, in order to secure overhead bin space for said pony.

Virgin America's brilliant solution: Board First Class first. Then, people needing assistance (though not with their pony)...then people without carry-on luggage. Leaving the people with ponies to duke it out for space after everyone else has been seated, thus ensuring that the boarding process moves smoothly right up til the end.

And, what an incentive to pay the $20 fee to check luggage! An easier time in boarding. Now, for some, that is a benefit that might just be worth the fee that other airlines have imposed with no additional benefit.

I love Virgin America. But, because the other airlines will never follow suit, Air Laws 5 and 7 still stand.

How Do I Hate You? Let Me Count the Ways

Those of you that are familiar with our 14 Air Laws know that I'm pretty down on many of the people with whom I'm forced to fly. Beyond clueless, these self-absorbed goofs make the experience so much worse than it needs to be. But, then again, it's all about them, now, isn't it?

But the type of airline passenger we hate the most hasn't made the Air Law list...yet.

It's the stinky one, according to a new survey by Travelocity. 45% of us hate being next to someone with bad hygiene. 30% hate people who are coughing and sneezing and 15% of us hate jumbo-sized people that hang over the arm rest.

I hate you all...but I'm just not sure that I can bring myself to establish Air Laws against things over which you don't have much control.

So, I guess we'll all have to endure you without the Air Law Marshals roughing you up.

Pity, that.

Nice Try, TSA

I gotta hand it to TSA for trying. It’s been about a year since they instituted the Expert Traveler lines at some airports. The concept: allow those of us that understand the security process to not be held up by the seemingly 80% that don’t have a clue.

Sadly, at the past three airports I’ve been through that sport these "Expert" lines (PHL, BDI and DEN)...those lines have been the absolute slowest. Whether people aren’t reading the signs or whether (as I feared when establishing Air Law 11) nobody wants to admit to being a rookie, the system does not work. At all.

Not when the family in front of me (with an infant and a pre-schooler in tow), replete with   juice boxes, formula and what seemed like 14 carry-on bags, is in the Expert Line.

The only way this initially cool idea can work is for the TSA ticket/ID checkers to give the  passenger a once-over and suggest the proper line. It’s not that hard to know that the family I followed should be directed to the, ummm, Families Line.

Oh, wait...that would be profiling, wouldn’t it?

Sigh.

Clueless Rookies Clog the Line

Last summer, I posted on TSA's attempt to speed the security process for regular customers by creating an "Expert Traveler" lane. The signs for said lane clearly state that this option is for people who fly at least twice a month, travel light and know the rules.

Philadelphia is one of the airports testing out the system. As I breezed into their Expert Line last week, I watched two families of four struggle with their over-the-top-for-carry-on gear and the requirements of showing ID to the agent. I'm pretty sure that, for one of the families, this was their first time ever in an airport.

As the weary agent greeted me, I asked how many clueless rookies he sees in the Expert line.

"You'd be surprised," he said as he looked over his shoulder at the families.

"Or maybe you wouldn't," he said as he watched me sadly shake my head and chuckle.

PHL needs to start vigorously enforcing Air Law 11.

Airline to Follow Air Law 10

Well, "follow" may be an overstatement...but Continental (which has had it's share of stranded-on-the-tarmac issues) appears to be close to implementing a 3-hour limit on tarmac holds for passengers.

Yeah, I know Air Laws says 2 hours...but it sure beats JetBlue's "generous" offer of 5.

Air Law 14

Gina's aunt died and the services are next Monday...but that cad Ben will probably be a no-show. Jack cheated on Jillian...but her best friend can't bear to tell her because Jillian will have another miscarriage (and the BF did Jack last weekend). Gavin got fired from his job last week but his wife Jane doesn't have a clue...probably because she's sleeping with his best friend. And, Jake says he's not gay...but there's a photo on the internet that pretty much proves he's at least bi.

Soap Opera synopsis?

No...the conversations I heard yesterday in a one hour period while connecting from Vegas to Madison in Minneapolis.

AIR LAW 14: All mobile phone conversations in airports (and any other public place, thank you) shall be conducted in areas that are not heavily populated and at vocal levels that range between whisper and regular voice.

As Panic at the Disco would say, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?"

C'mon people. Are you really that self-absorbed that you think your conversation is all that important? That you're all that? There were three of us in the waiting area jointly shaking our heads at the drama we were hearing about. And, frankly, it was drama that only the participants could care about.

It's just another example of how so many travelers are so unaware of their surroundings...because it's all about them. During yesterday's trek from Vegas back home I witnessed the breaking of Air Laws 1 , 7, 8 and 9. And now...14.

Where are those damn Air Law Marshals when you need them?

Air Law 13

Last week, we issued Air Law 12, in which the indiscriminate bogarting of both electrical outlets by a single user was banned.

And, on Thursday, as I roamed DTW looking for juice, I was overjoyed to find not a single self-absorbed traveler double-plugged.

What I did find were clueless travelers sitting in the seats next to electrical outlets with absolutely no hardware to recharge. Eatin' nachos. Readin' books. Takin' up space.

Not just at a few gates...but the ENTIRE C Concourse.

Therefore:

AIR LAW 13: It is hereby forbidden for any air traveler to sit in a seat next to an electrical outlet if they do not have a device requiring a charge.

Of course, those people probably don't have mobile phones or laptops and, thus, don't read this blog.

However, ignorance of an Air Law is no defense...and Air Law Marshalls are hereby authorized to use cattle prods or tasers to dislodge these non-juice seeking travelers.

Air Law 12

Some airports come equipped with lots of electrical outlets for road warriors to recharge laptops, iPods, phones and video players. Some (like ORD) do not.

I was in one of those airports last week, prowling like a junkie looking for a quick fix...praying for just a little juice with which I could finish a report on the next flight. Everywhere I looked, outlets were being bogarted by individuals that had plugged their stuff into both outlets.

And...ummm...that's just selfish. Thus:

AIR LAW 12: The One Person - One Plug Rule is now in effect. I mean, really, I know you think you're all that and a bag of chips. But, what gives you the right to block others from the juice they crave? Pick the tech unit that is most important to you...but not both. 'Cause that just shows the world how selfish you are.

Air Law Marshalls are hereby authorized to remove the largest of the two adapters from the plug you're bogarting...and stick it up your self-absorbed butt.

Hey...no whining. You selfish goofs brought this on yourself.

Air Law 11

It didn't take me long (like, less than 24 hours) to decide that these new TSA security lanes that allow passengers to self-select their speed sound like a pretty cool idea.

To insure they stay cool, we are issuing the following Air Law:

Any passenger caught utilizing the "Expert" lane at Security that is not, in fact, an "Expert" (as proven by their attempt to bring copious liquids, gels, coins, knives, etc. onto the plane) will be directed to the back of the Families line to be rescanned. If said poser was doing so to impress their significant other, they will, at the discretion of the TSA Agent in Charge, be ordered to strip naked, be loaded onto the x-ray conveyor belt, run through the machine and then given between 1 and 3 swats with a fraternity paddle.

While the rest of us watch and take pictures with our mobile phones....

Hangin' Out in the Fast Lane

If you travel by air as much as I do, you've surely become adept at gauging the number of rookies in each of the security lines before you. But, every once in a while, you get careless and somebody that looked like they had a clue is fumbling with 4 different gels, some juice boxes and a Swiss Army Knife...slowing you down. Whad'ya gonna do?

TSA feels your pain and, at some airports, is experimenting with different lanes for different folk. One for Families (and those needing special assistance), one for casual travelers and one for "Experts."

Bureau 3000's Jennifer Reichbach tipped us off to this new service and says it's pretty cool. But, skeptic that I am...I'm still waiting for some goof that flies once a year trying to try to impress his new girlfriend by steering her to the "Expert Line" and, like the Visa commercial, gum up the works.

Sounds like there may need to be an Air Law designed for these scenarios...