Bill Geist's Zeitgeist

Our Aging Fleet

As the AP's Scott Mayorowitz wrote earlier this year: "Most travelers don't think twice about (the age of the airplane)...although there's something unsettling about easing into your seat and finding the armrest still has an ashtray built in."

Not to fear, fellow travelers...for the airlines have resorted to the most trustworthy of responses to a broken plane. Duct Tape.

Errr...Honestly? I can only wonder how long this plane flew in this condition.

The Most Popular of the Past Five Years

I started this blog five years ago today. My first post got two views. Today, they get more.

But it's interesting what moves people to share my blog with their friends.

Not surprisingly, one of the most viewed posts had nothing to do with the industry I blog upon...but my thoughts upon dropping my youngest daughter off at college.

My thoughts on the 2007 passing of Dan Fogelberg was another magnet. I got a lotta action on a post about TSA...but I think it's because the image showed a women hooking her bra. Likewise, another post scored high because of the image of a buff guy. Hmmm, should I start adding images of skin regardless of the topic?

One of my rants that could be a business for somebody was another winner (but I haven't seen the beta yet).

One of my Air Laws hit a nerve...as Number 13 chastised those that bogart power sources in airports (but I woulda thought it would be Air Law 1).

I opined on the state of convention food. A lot of people shared that one.

But the one that got the most page views over the past five years was when I went off on a TSA proposal that, during the last 60 minutes of flight, would have forced us all to put away our books and computers so the flight attendants could see our laps.

Guess I need to go off on TSA more often...

Air Law 16

For those of us that are forced to travel on Regional Jets (RJs), we know what it's like to press up against someone we don't know for a few hours. And, while pressing up against a stranger can have its upside...it's all downside on an RJ.

While there's not much one can do about rubbing shoulders, there's a whole lot one can do about rubbing legs.

I'm constantly fascinated by the guys (and it's always guys) that splay their legs so that they are so in my space that I have to question their sexual orientation.

Dude...see where the arm rest makes an invisbile line with the arm rest in the seat in front of us? That's the LINE. Don't cross it. Even if you think you're all that ('cause you're so not).

If you do, I'm gonna take my hand and begin carressing your knee. Because you're obviously coming on to me. Or, you're just mindlessly stoopid.

Either way...I've got the Air Laws backing me up on this one.

Keep your legs to yourself...

Spirit Moves to Comply with Air Law One

One thing about Spirit Airlines...they know how to stay in the news. Earlier this month, it was their intent to charge for carry-on bags. This week, it is the news that they are installing seats that don't recline in order to save money and offer passengers even lower fares.

While they didn't cite Air Law One in the announcement, the move will also save consumers from having thoughtless passengers jack their seats into their face, laptop and knees.

But, the marketing gurus at Spirit must have once worked on political campaigns...or are showing off their chops to get picked for the next presidential campaign. How else can you explain spin like this:

• The seats don't recline because they are "pre-reclined." The folks at SeatGuru say the lack of pitch of this "recline" is about as bad as they've ever seen.

• The reason for the "pre-reclined" seats is to save money. In a round about way, that is true. Said without the spin, however, is that they can jam more people on the plane. That means more money per flight.

• The reason they want to save money is so that they can offer lower fares. If this is true, then the increase in passengers per plane is a wash. So they're either lying...or not very good at math.

Or, maybe Spirit is just a very needy airline that just likes the attention.

Here's a Novel Approach

After the airlines (except Southwest) began charging for checked bags, the boarding process has become a nightmare for passengers and crew alike. People are now hauling "carry-ons" the size of a small pony on board and a fighting for space in the overhead bins. If you don't board early, your chance of finding overhead space for your pony drops precipitously.

But Spirit has found a solution! Charge for carry-ons! THAT will decrease the number of carry-ons while increasing their revenue.

No...I'm not kidding. April Fool's Day was last week.

It starts August 1st. There ought to be an Air Law...

The Obnoxious Business Traveler

We all know them. They are everywhere. And, seemingly increasing in number by the day.

What? You haven't noticed? Well, then...courtesy of Scott Carmichael at Gadling, here are the Top Ten ways to identify the most obnoxious of the species.

I will admit to only one...and only in rare instances. I am guilty of angling to be the first to board a plane...but only when I'm seated in a bulkhead seat so that I can secure overhead bin space for my laptop.

'Cause...if I don't, the obnoxious business travelers will hoard said space and then my laptop gets checked and ends up like Dave Carroll's guitar. So, I think I get a day-pass on that one, because I actually have a rational reason for my actions...and not because I'm "all that."

The rest of Scott's examples...maybe we'll consider them for additions to our Air Laws.

Air Law 15

I'm simply shocked. It has been a year since I last posted an Air Law.

Since then, I've referenced them...but haven't added more laws to the original 14 (which can be accessed here). I tell myself that is because I nailed them all the first time around. On the other hand, maybe I just got lazy.

But a new study from Skyscanner has reminded me of a situation that always frosts me...and apparently 27% of the poor souls with which I share the sky: the dishonest announcement about delayed flights.

As noted in Travel Daily News, “Telling you a flight will be 30 minutes late, then another 30 minutes late, then another – when they know full well that the plane hasn’t even left its departure airport – is extremely annoying and downright dishonest,” said Barry Smith, Skyscanner co-founder and director.

And we couldn't agree more. So...

AIR LAW 15: Any ticketed passenger that confirms that a gate agent is fibbing on the status of any flight (inbound or outbound) is hereby authorized to a) announce to everyone else in the gate area that an Air Law has been violated and b) encourage everyone to get in line to change their seat assignment, ask about what snacks will be served and question whether the pilots assigned to the flight wear boxers, briefs or thongs.

I've never quite understood why gate agents think they can get away with lying...because the plane is not coming and they know it. It's one thing when a President or Sports Figure lies, 'cause there's a chance they can pull it off (yeah, good luck with that). But when you know the flight hasn't left Reagan and you're saying it'll be a 30 minute wait in Denver? You're busted before you start.

So, it's only fair that, since they are annoying us, we return the favor.

It Takes a Virgin Mind to Solve Boarding

No...not that kind of virgin. The Richard Branson kind...as in Virgin America.

We've already issued Air Law 5 about the goofs that insist on attempting to carry on luggage as big as small pony. And Air Law 7 about the people who rush to the gate to board, regardless of their section, in order to secure overhead bin space for said pony.

Virgin America's brilliant solution: Board First Class first. Then, people needing assistance (though not with their pony)...then people without carry-on luggage. Leaving the people with ponies to duke it out for space after everyone else has been seated, thus ensuring that the boarding process moves smoothly right up til the end.

And, what an incentive to pay the $20 fee to check luggage! An easier time in boarding. Now, for some, that is a benefit that might just be worth the fee that other airlines have imposed with no additional benefit.

I love Virgin America. But, because the other airlines will never follow suit, Air Laws 5 and 7 still stand.

How Do I Hate You? Let Me Count the Ways

Those of you that are familiar with our 14 Air Laws know that I'm pretty down on many of the people with whom I'm forced to fly. Beyond clueless, these self-absorbed goofs make the experience so much worse than it needs to be. But, then again, it's all about them, now, isn't it?

But the type of airline passenger we hate the most hasn't made the Air Law list...yet.

It's the stinky one, according to a new survey by Travelocity. 45% of us hate being next to someone with bad hygiene. 30% hate people who are coughing and sneezing and 15% of us hate jumbo-sized people that hang over the arm rest.

I hate you all...but I'm just not sure that I can bring myself to establish Air Laws against things over which you don't have much control.

So, I guess we'll all have to endure you without the Air Law Marshals roughing you up.

Pity, that.

Nice Try, TSA

I gotta hand it to TSA for trying. It’s been about a year since they instituted the Expert Traveler lines at some airports. The concept: allow those of us that understand the security process to not be held up by the seemingly 80% that don’t have a clue.

Sadly, at the past three airports I’ve been through that sport these "Expert" lines (PHL, BDI and DEN)...those lines have been the absolute slowest. Whether people aren’t reading the signs or whether (as I feared when establishing Air Law 11) nobody wants to admit to being a rookie, the system does not work. At all.

Not when the family in front of me (with an infant and a pre-schooler in tow), replete with   juice boxes, formula and what seemed like 14 carry-on bags, is in the Expert Line.

The only way this initially cool idea can work is for the TSA ticket/ID checkers to give the  passenger a once-over and suggest the proper line. It’s not that hard to know that the family I followed should be directed to the, ummm, Families Line.

Oh, wait...that would be profiling, wouldn’t it?

Sigh.