Bill Geist's Zeitgeist

Nice Try, TSA

I gotta hand it to TSA for trying. It’s been about a year since they instituted the Expert Traveler lines at some airports. The concept: allow those of us that understand the security process to not be held up by the seemingly 80% that don’t have a clue.

Sadly, at the past three airports I’ve been through that sport these "Expert" lines (PHL, BDI and DEN)...those lines have been the absolute slowest. Whether people aren’t reading the signs or whether (as I feared when establishing Air Law 11) nobody wants to admit to being a rookie, the system does not work. At all.

Not when the family in front of me (with an infant and a pre-schooler in tow), replete with   juice boxes, formula and what seemed like 14 carry-on bags, is in the Expert Line.

The only way this initially cool idea can work is for the TSA ticket/ID checkers to give the  passenger a once-over and suggest the proper line. It’s not that hard to know that the family I followed should be directed to the, ummm, Families Line.

Oh, wait...that would be profiling, wouldn’t it?

Sigh.

Clueless Rookies Clog the Line

Last summer, I posted on TSA's attempt to speed the security process for regular customers by creating an "Expert Traveler" lane. The signs for said lane clearly state that this option is for people who fly at least twice a month, travel light and know the rules.

Philadelphia is one of the airports testing out the system. As I breezed into their Expert Line last week, I watched two families of four struggle with their over-the-top-for-carry-on gear and the requirements of showing ID to the agent. I'm pretty sure that, for one of the families, this was their first time ever in an airport.

As the weary agent greeted me, I asked how many clueless rookies he sees in the Expert line.

"You'd be surprised," he said as he looked over his shoulder at the families.

"Or maybe you wouldn't," he said as he watched me sadly shake my head and chuckle.

PHL needs to start vigorously enforcing Air Law 11.

Airline to Follow Air Law 10

Well, "follow" may be an overstatement...but Continental (which has had it's share of stranded-on-the-tarmac issues) appears to be close to implementing a 3-hour limit on tarmac holds for passengers.

Yeah, I know Air Laws says 2 hours...but it sure beats JetBlue's "generous" offer of 5.

Air Law 14

Gina's aunt died and the services are next Monday...but that cad Ben will probably be a no-show. Jack cheated on Jillian...but her best friend can't bear to tell her because Jillian will have another miscarriage (and the BF did Jack last weekend). Gavin got fired from his job last week but his wife Jane doesn't have a clue...probably because she's sleeping with his best friend. And, Jake says he's not gay...but there's a photo on the internet that pretty much proves he's at least bi.

Soap Opera synopsis?

No...the conversations I heard yesterday in a one hour period while connecting from Vegas to Madison in Minneapolis.

AIR LAW 14: All mobile phone conversations in airports (and any other public place, thank you) shall be conducted in areas that are not heavily populated and at vocal levels that range between whisper and regular voice.

As Panic at the Disco would say, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?"

C'mon people. Are you really that self-absorbed that you think your conversation is all that important? That you're all that? There were three of us in the waiting area jointly shaking our heads at the drama we were hearing about. And, frankly, it was drama that only the participants could care about.

It's just another example of how so many travelers are so unaware of their surroundings...because it's all about them. During yesterday's trek from Vegas back home I witnessed the breaking of Air Laws 1 , 7, 8 and 9. And now...14.

Where are those damn Air Law Marshals when you need them?

Air Law 13

Last week, we issued Air Law 12, in which the indiscriminate bogarting of both electrical outlets by a single user was banned.

And, on Thursday, as I roamed DTW looking for juice, I was overjoyed to find not a single self-absorbed traveler double-plugged.

What I did find were clueless travelers sitting in the seats next to electrical outlets with absolutely no hardware to recharge. Eatin' nachos. Readin' books. Takin' up space.

Not just at a few gates...but the ENTIRE C Concourse.

Therefore:

AIR LAW 13: It is hereby forbidden for any air traveler to sit in a seat next to an electrical outlet if they do not have a device requiring a charge.

Of course, those people probably don't have mobile phones or laptops and, thus, don't read this blog.

However, ignorance of an Air Law is no defense...and Air Law Marshalls are hereby authorized to use cattle prods or tasers to dislodge these non-juice seeking travelers.

Air Law 12

Some airports come equipped with lots of electrical outlets for road warriors to recharge laptops, iPods, phones and video players. Some (like ORD) do not.

I was in one of those airports last week, prowling like a junkie looking for a quick fix...praying for just a little juice with which I could finish a report on the next flight. Everywhere I looked, outlets were being bogarted by individuals that had plugged their stuff into both outlets.

And...ummm...that's just selfish. Thus:

AIR LAW 12: The One Person - One Plug Rule is now in effect. I mean, really, I know you think you're all that and a bag of chips. But, what gives you the right to block others from the juice they crave? Pick the tech unit that is most important to you...but not both. 'Cause that just shows the world how selfish you are.

Air Law Marshalls are hereby authorized to remove the largest of the two adapters from the plug you're bogarting...and stick it up your self-absorbed butt.

Hey...no whining. You selfish goofs brought this on yourself.

Air Law 11

It didn't take me long (like, less than 24 hours) to decide that these new TSA security lanes that allow passengers to self-select their speed sound like a pretty cool idea.

To insure they stay cool, we are issuing the following Air Law:

Any passenger caught utilizing the "Expert" lane at Security that is not, in fact, an "Expert" (as proven by their attempt to bring copious liquids, gels, coins, knives, etc. onto the plane) will be directed to the back of the Families line to be rescanned. If said poser was doing so to impress their significant other, they will, at the discretion of the TSA Agent in Charge, be ordered to strip naked, be loaded onto the x-ray conveyor belt, run through the machine and then given between 1 and 3 swats with a fraternity paddle.

While the rest of us watch and take pictures with our mobile phones....

Hangin' Out in the Fast Lane

If you travel by air as much as I do, you've surely become adept at gauging the number of rookies in each of the security lines before you. But, every once in a while, you get careless and somebody that looked like they had a clue is fumbling with 4 different gels, some juice boxes and a Swiss Army Knife...slowing you down. Whad'ya gonna do?

TSA feels your pain and, at some airports, is experimenting with different lanes for different folk. One for Families (and those needing special assistance), one for casual travelers and one for "Experts."

Bureau 3000's Jennifer Reichbach tipped us off to this new service and says it's pretty cool. But, skeptic that I am...I'm still waiting for some goof that flies once a year trying to try to impress his new girlfriend by steering her to the "Expert Line" and, like the Visa commercial, gum up the works.

Sounds like there may need to be an Air Law designed for these scenarios...

But Everybody's Doing It

Just like every one of our Mothers said at least 32 times to each and every one of us in response to our plea of "But Everybody's Doing It," "If (name of a neighborhood 'good-kid' here) jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Just because American Airlines despises its customers, is that any reason for United and US Airways to do the same?

While the "good kid" in the neighborhood (Southwest) refuses to join in the insanity.

Now airport check-in is really gonna suck as an estimated 30% of us (and I believe more) will be swiping cards or fumbling with cash to pay for our first bag. Boarding is gonna suck more as most will violate Air Law 5 and try to carry footlocker-sized bags onboard.

And, to the recent TIA report that 100,000 of us are choosing EVERY DAY not to fly because the experience so sucks, deleting $26 billion from the economy last year....those numbers are only going to increase.

More on American's Folly

Nothing kind can be found in the blogosphere this week regarding American Airlines' announcement that it will begin nickel and diming customers for even their first checked bag next month.

Gadling's Grant Martin took it even further by assessing a different kind of impact such a move will produce:

"Now, since nobody wants to pay an extra 15$, everyone is going to want to bring their luggage aboard, overhead compartments are going to jam up, people with giant luggage are going to clog up space and passengers are going to get testy.

Of course the new rule doesn't apply to elites, but as several people on the underground pointed out, it really affects everyone on the aircraft. If the overhead compartments are full and the flight spends an extra 15 minutes on the ground sorting out luggage issues and appeasing passengers, the entire plane is late, right?"

Dead on...and why we'll need aggressive enforcement of Air Law 5.

Image of duct taped overhead bins (which is what will be needed) from Andy's Blog.