Bill Geist's Zeitgeist

Kick It

The Irving CVB has always had the best holiday e-messages. This year is no exception...and is, possibly, the best yet.

And, with thanks to Maura and the gang, we're repurposing their thoughts as ours.

Best wishes for a kickin' new year!

 

All Our Friends

Upon the approach of most New Year's Eves, we try to offer a song to make you think, make you feel or make you act. This year, Terri and I are just saying thank you for an amazing year.

On this final Music Friday of 2012, we offer a track from a fairly unknown voice that, as Maxwell Smart would say, "missed it by that much" in becoming a household name.

Mitch Malloy turned out a couple cool solo albums in the 90s (a track off one so beautifully haunting that I cry every time it shuffles to the front) and was Eddie Van Halen's pick to replace Sammy Hagar after this try-out. Ultimately, management said no...and Mitch continues as a solo act to this day.

No video to go with it, but it's from the heart. Here's Mitch Malloy with "All My Friends."

And we'll see y'all, our friends, on the other side.

Air Law 9 - Updated

As we reprise the Air Law series, updates are welcome. And, we got this one yesterday on Facebook from a fellow lifeguard (yeah...it was another life) and good friend Karen. Air Law 9 has now officially been updated:

AIR LAW 9: Passengers wishing to enter or exit their seat will use the arm rests for leverage...and NOT the seat in front of them.

Happens every time. I'm in my seat. The guy sitting behind me grabs my seat back to hoist or lower himself out of or into his seat. And when he lets go....fwapwapwap. It's like the feeling in your hand when you launch a pinball...only your whole body shakes.

An exception to this Air Law will be allowed (and, in fact, highly encouraged) when Air Law 1 has been violated. In fact, if you have been reclined upon, it is your duty to pull yourself out of your seat using the headrest in front of you, even if you don't hafta, you know, pee or something.

Just do it...and revel in the knowledge that you've repaid the favor.

Air Law 9

Back from the holiday weekend with a continuing reprise of the Air Laws series:

AIR LAW 9: Passengers wishing to enter or exit their seat will use the arm rests for leverage...and NOT the seat in front of them.

Happens every time. I'm in my seat. The guy sitting behind me grabs my seat back to hoist or lower himself out of or into his seat. And when he lets go....fwapwapwap. It's like the feeling in your hand when you launch a pinball...only your whole body shakes.

Hey Sparky...hands off my seat! Use the arm rests!

Cause Tonight's the Night the World Begins Again

And you asked me what I want this year.
And I try to make this kind and clear.
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.
Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things.
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.

- John Rzeznik

Oh Come, Oh Come

A way cool version of "Oh Come Emmanuel" from House of Heroes on this Music Friday.

Merry Happy to you and yours this holiday weekend...

Air Law 8

One more in the reprise of our Air Laws (cause y'all clearly need a refresher) before we go all Holiday on you:

Air Law 7 dealt with the morons that crowd the gate 10 minutes before boarding when they're in Zone 6. Along that same line, this is a true beauty from my friend Cole Carley. He told me to edit it. He's too good of a writer. Here it is:

"People amaze me. They endure crowded lines to check in, through security, getting on the plane and getting off again. I won't even talk about the cattle-in-a-boxcar proximity of people during the flight itself. I've been physically closer to a perfect stranger in an airplane than in bed with my wife. I wouldn't mind it quite so much except that it's usually some guy who weighs alot more than me.

So, what do people do at the end of the journey, when they can finally stretch out, spread out and get out? They crowd shoulder to shoulder at the baggage claim. They stand packed tight and closer together at the carousel than fans at the stage of a U2 concert. And that's before the belt even starts moving.

I always want to shout, 'Hey! Do you think that crowding the carousel is going to get your bags quicker? It's not! Back up! Spread out!'"

AIR LAW 8: From this day forward there will be established a mandatory "No-Touching Zone" that starts 7 feet back from the carousel. All travelers will stand back, take it easy and wait. When you see your luggage, walk easily, efficiently and directly to your bag, pick it up and proceed.

The point behind Air Laws is to bring some civility back to the unfriendly skies. And Cole has the following suggestion:

"Folks, all of you who fly, let’s agree to start a new trend. We’ll just start with us and hope that it spreads like it did with that kid in Pay It Forward. Here’s what we do: Stand back from the carousel. That’s right, everybody just stand back about 15 or 20 feet, watch and wait. The big airport machine is going to barf up your bag at the same time it would have if you were crammed together like slices of bread in a loaf. Then, when your bag appears, you can actually saunter (step, prance, mince, whatever you want to do) to the carousel, pick up your bag, and leave.

Even better, when our bag appears, let’s give everyone a little post-flight entertainment by doing some dance step up to the carousel, twirl once, casually lean down and pick up your bag, set it down on the floor with a little flourish, pull the handle out of the bag, and skip away. I’ll bet we could get people to applaud. Gee, they might even throw some money at you. You’ve got to be giving them a better show than some schlep on a bridge blowing his saxophone."

And, indeed...there is a website that addresses just this.

Back up. Dance on.

Air Law 7

Honestly...it's way worse than when Air Law 7 was originally issued in 2007. Exacerbated by the airlines charging for checked bags, the jostling for position near the jetbridge now starts at least 10 minutes before boarding on some flights. Which is why we are (probably futilely) rerunning our Air Laws series:

AIR LAW 7: Only those in First Class, Exit Rows and members of the airline's elite program are allowed to stand within 30 feet of the gate until their rows are called.

Yesterday's bottle-neck of absolutely clueless travelers clustered next to the DTW podium was laughable, if it wasn't so incredibly mindless. I can see the First Classers rushing the jetbridge like children ready to wet their pants so they can score that extra drink before take-off. But, really, Sparky...you and your wife with your over the limit carry-on baggage (which I thought we covered in Air Law 5) camped out close enough to reach out and touch the gate agent when you are seated in Zone 6? How do you think the rest of us are planning to board?

Sit the fugg down and wait your turn.

 

Air Law 6

I had to laugh a few years ago when the "Garbage-Czar" of my town noted that there is a law that maintains that residents cannot store their garbage cans within view of the street. He quickly noted that some residents have no other choice and, thus, the law isn't enforced.

That's what I like. Thoughtful enforcement of laws. And, our next Air Law will require thoughtful enforcement.

AIR LAW 6: Cowboy Boots are not allowed to be worn on any flight, as they cause back-ups during pre-flight screening.

Now, before my friends in Texas lose their freeking minds, I intend to ask Air Law Marshalls to utilize thoughtful enforcement on this one.

I love cowboy boots. At a time in my life, that's all the footwear I owned ('cept sneakers). And, I'd rather wear cowboy boots than the "dress" shoes I wear. But, I don't when I'm flying because it takes too long to get 'em on and off at security...and it slows down those around me. Hell, I've even gone to slip-ons rather than tie shoes for this reason.

So, here's the thoughtful enforcement concept. For those that own nothing but cowboy boots, bring along a snapshot of your shoe rack proving it (I know that you can cheat this requirement, but it'll at least show that you know you're holding up the show...and that's the first step to recovery).

Also, Air Law Marshalls will be instructed to give anybody whose cowboy boots slip on and off like butter a pass ('cause there's just nothing finer than that). Air Law 6 is targeting those who have to hop on one leg three or four times to get a boot on/off.

For those people, the Air Law Marshalls have been given the OK to pull you out of line and rough you up a little.

Air Law 5

It wasn't any better last week, either. Mindless, clueless, self-absorbed zombies clogging up airports across the land. They should have been following the Air Laws. As they weren't, it's time to review:

AIR LAW 5: No luggage may be brought aboard any airline if it requires the owner to use both hands to lift it. Duffle Bags longer than 2 feet are to be checked. And, no luggage may be brought on the flight by use of roller wheels and handle.

OK. I know that you're real important. Way more important than me...or anybody else on the flight. And you just can't be bothered by waiting for your luggage. You've got places to go and people to annoy. I totally understand that.

But your selfishness impacts other people. People that have little carry-ons but no place to put them because you've consumed the entire overhead space for two rows. The people who are standing in line behind you as you try to jam your oversized bag in a regional jet overhead. The people that you lean into and/or bop on the head as you give up and pull the bag back out.

And this rollerbag stuff. Please. I've never seen anybody (no matter how good at it) not clip at least one passenger as they nonchallantly drag their bag behind them. Enough. Your seat qualifies you for a finite amount of carry-on space. I'm not sure what the cubic square footage of that contract is...but we all know that you're over the limit.

Hey, I don't like waiting for my checked bags any more than you. But I do it because I care about those around me.

So there. Air Law.