Bill Geist's Zeitgeist

Air Law 21

As Don Henley famously said, "How can love survive in such a graceless age?"

Graceless age, indeed. Anyone who has spent time in any American airport can attest to such a state. For, whatever reason, people turn into self-absorbed pigs in our nation's airports.

Run through all the previous Air Laws for all the nasty ways narcissists make our time in airports so distasteful.

Air Law 21 is in response to the image above from ORD a week ago. Seats that are clearly designated for handicapped passengers (the red ones), occupied by four people who are not. A couple of seniors, clearly challenged in mobility, were looking for a spot to sit. None of these people moved.

The impossibly designed American Airlines staging area there results in able-bodied passengers being forced to sit in handicapped seats. But...you don't move when someone in their 80s shuffles forward?

The woman hiding her face, in the image above, absolutely refused to move because her phone conversation was far too important to be interrupted. The couple next to her was finally seated because a gate agent insisted that other people vacate their seats (good on her). Those against the wall were, despite sitting in red handicapped seats, also unwilling to move.

Damn, I hate people like that. So...from this point forward, anyone seeing this kind of ignorance is encouraged to call these clueless people out, embarrass them before their fellow passengers and smack them with the canes used by those deserving of those seats.

If Air Law Marshals are in the area, they are hereby authorized to grease those canes with lube and guide them up these assholes' self-absorbed butts. 

Air Law.

Fact is Stranger than Fiction

There are a lot of ways of showing displeasure to fellow passengers crammed into a metal tube and catapulted into the air for hours in an attempt to get somewhere besides your hometown.

But, I'm not sure pissing on another passenger is the answer.

An Air Meditarranee flight was on its way to Paris from Algiers when a brawl broke out forcing it to divert to Lyon. A passenger was angered that he could not smoke or drink on board.

So, yeah...let's piss on the guy in 13B.

Is this an isolated case? Or should we issue an Air Law?

Air Law 20

Airliners are designed with some limited space underneath each seat. It ain't much...but backpacks, handbags, manbags and purses fit pretty perfectly.

So why do I see so many self-absorbed passengers stuff their small carry-on in the overhead bins...blocking passengers who are not allowed to board until Zone 6 from having any place to stow their larger carry-ons? Especially when they have been asked by ground personnel to place smaller items under the seat in front of them?

AIR LAW 20: Passengers shall place small carry-on items under the seat in front of them and not in the overhead bins. With the exception of those seated at the bulkhead (where such space does not exist), anyone found in violation of this Air Law shall have their carry-on item confiscated by Air Marshals and the contents split among the crew by using a rock-paper-scissors format. Empty backpacks will be forwarded to area social services agencies to be distributed to underprivileged school kids.

Hey...no whining. You selfish goofs brought this on yourself.

Air Law.

Air Law 19

My friend Miriam was trapped in a middle seat last week...which in the greater world order isn't all that much of a discomfort, as she is a petite li'l thang.

But, it placed her in the unenviable position of being subjected to, in her words, "a guy who has yet to discover deodorant and a girl eating jalapeno chips."

I'm not sure how Air Laws can mandate personal hygiene (though we're taking that one under advisement). However, we can deal with the passengers that insist on stinking up the plane with gyros, tuna salad or any fast food...because, for the most part, we can see them bringing it onto the plane.

AIR LAW 19: Passengers bringing any food onto the plane that emits an odor discernible to fellow passengers will immediately be reseated next to the rear lavatory for the duration of the flight.

Hey, you don't care about your fellow passengers' feelings about the stank you are perpetrating? You get to sit in the shitty seats...and they get your seat next to the cool kids who aren't as self-absorbed as you. It's only fair.

Air Law.

The Lens with which We View the World

Two sides to every story, potato-potatoe...everyone views the world a little differently. But, as with partisan politics, it's rarely gray. It's black. Or, it's white. Blue or Red.

Take for instance the writer of a story on traditional school start entitled "How the Tourism Industry Dictates when Kids in 14 States Go Back to School" that paints a dismal picture of those States that have returned to a post-Labor Day (or close) school start. That is, until the very last sentence where the writer concedes that Virginia, which mandates a traditional school start, has the third highest student test scores in the nation.

Had I been the headline writer, it would have read "36 States that Use the Fear of Low Test Scores as a Rationale to Start School in August are Clueless."

It's all in the lens, baby.

And, after yesterday's return to Air Laws, I had to laugh when reading last week's story about the onboard fight between two passengers over what was clearly outlined in the very first Air Law: No reclining.

If you missed the story, a passenger wanted to recline her seat during a Newark to Denver flight. The guy behind her wanted to use his laptop. Those two concepts are, of course, mutually exclusive in steerage.

He employed a nifty little gadget called the "Knee Defender" that prevented her from reclining. She got up and threw a glass of soda on him (and his laptop). After a heated shouting match between the combatants and flight attendants, the pilots diverted to ORD where the two were escorted off the plane.

The writer of the AP story is either unaware of Air Law 1 and/or believes humans have a God-given right to recline. Because the writer clearly took her side, saying she had been denied her "bit of personal space."

Huh? How is that possible?

We all start with X amount of personal space with our seats and tray tables in their upright and locked position. The minute one person reclines, they take personal space away from the person behind them. There is simply no way this can be viewed as having any other outcome.

Unless you, like the writer and the hurler of soda, are sensationally self-absorbed.

I'm telling you...if everyone would just follow the 18 Air Laws, what a Wonderful World it would be.

Related articles

Air Law 1

A Gadget That Stops Seats From Reclining Caused a Plane-Diverting Fight

Air Law 18

Our friend Amir Eylon (Brand USA) witnessed an act of self-absorbtion on his recent flight to ESTO that was so utterly depraved that it screamed out for action (see here).

In a world in which this type of behavior has become all too commonplace, we are compelled to issue the following Air Law:

AIR LAW 18:  No air traveler shall elevate their bare feet onto the bulkhead or above seat level for any reason during flight. Those found in violation of this Air Law shall be assigned seats next to the rear lavatory on their next ten flights. 

Women travelers are exempt from Air Law 18 on a case by case basis because their feet generally don't stink...except when they do. Air Law Marshalls are instructed to utilize "thoughtful enforcement."

Air Law 6 - Updated

The other night, some friends asked what we hated most about the airlines. I think they were surprised when I said that, outside of United's employees' ongoing penchant for lying through their teeth to their customers at every possible opportunity, I have no real issue with the airlines.

It's the clueless and self-absorbed people I must share the skies with that makes air travel so distasteful.

Most of our Air Laws Series are in response to these souls that surely were raised by wolves.

Air Law 6 banned cowboy boots...because we've all had to wait for fellow travelers holding up the lines at TSA as they wrestle with their footwear. But, ever mindful to the evolving state of travel, we officially offer this vitally important update:

AIR LAW 6 UPDATED: Cowboy Boots are not allowed to be worn on any flight, as they cause back-ups during pre-flight screening...unless you are TSA Pre (because then, you can leave those smokin' cool boots on through security).

Hell yeah.

And, with this update, I'm back to wearing my favorite footwear.

Air Law 17

It's one thing to get beyond the silly tin-foil hat ban on mobile devices under 10,000 feet. But allowing self-absorbed assholes to actually carry on pointless conversations on their mobile phone in flight?

Puleeze. It's bad enough I have to endure these people in the terminal (Air Law 14)...but all the way across the country? We need to get in front of this insanity now...thus:

AIR LAW 17: Any airline that permits in flight mobile phone calls is hereby required to supply any passenger requesting relief from the din with a pair of those really expensive noise-cancelling headphones. No, the REALLY expensive ones.

Hey...it's only right. You don't let people smoke because it irritates fellow passengers. Why should you be allowed to subject those same passengers to the inane coversations of obnoxious seatmates? Oh wait...because a recent survey shows that 1 in 10 were obviously raised by wolves?

Air Law.

And kudos to Delta for already announcing that no way, no how will they allow phone calls on flights, regardless of how sensationally clueless the FCC is.

Nyet to Reclining

That's what 9 out of 10 airline passengers said in a recent Skyscanner poll. They want the airlines to ban reclining seats.

Finally...and only six years since the issuance of Air Law 1.

So, I'm guessing getting the airlines to actually act upon this news might also take a while.

Sigh.

Air Law 16

The last in the existing set of Air Laws...but we so want you to suggest updates and additional laws...cause the flying public needs better direction.

The last one, from 2011 addressed the sad state of personal contact on small Regional Jets. For those of us that are forced to travel on RJs, we know what it's like to press up against someone we don't know for a few hours. And, while pressing up against a stranger can have its upside...it's all downside on an RJ.

While there's not much one can do about rubbing shoulders, there's a whole lot one can do about rubbing legs. And, I'm constantly fascinated by the guys (and it's always guys) that splay their legs so that they are so in my space that I have to question their sexual orientation.

AIR LAW 16: There will be no touching of legs during any flight...unless of course there is a mutually confirmed interest in taking this to a hotel upon landing.

Dude...see where the arm rest makes an invisbile line with the arm rest in the seat in front of us? That's the LINE. Don't cross it. Even if you think you're all that ('cause you're so not).

If you do, I'm gonna take my hand and begin carressing your knee. Because you're obviously coming on to me. Or, you're just mindlessly stoopid.

Either way...I've got the Air Laws backing me up on this one.

Keep your legs to yourself...